Cabin in the Woods (2012) BLOODY GOOD ORIGINAL FUN.

So if your reading this you are about to read a review praising the movie Cabin in the Woods, which came out this past Friday the 13th. I was not lucky enough to see this film opening night on midnight like I would have preferred because A.) I was throwing a party on Friday, and B.) everyone I knew was being a pussy and did not want to go to a midnight showing Thursday night. Fools, ALL OF THEM.

So Saturday opening weekend night rolls around, Hunger Games is still number one in the box office, and I cry myself awake. I am like, where are all my horror fans at, why are they not supporting this seemingly AWESOME trailer ? I mean if you want to see some sadistic shit, GO SEE CABIN!

Onto the review. I had no idea what to think about when I was going into this movie aside from: Critics and movie goers are all enjoying this movie. Do you have any idea how often that happens in the horror/slasher genre? THAT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS. This movie has everything that a Slasher Film needs. It has your 5 basic prototype characters that have been around since the dawn of this genre: The Whore (to die first only after the tit/sex shot), The Fool (stoner/drunk who is only there for comic relief, to die second), The Athlete (to die only after taking “the reins” of the situation and telling everyone to split up), The Scholar (who is now part of the “Final Pairing,” in movies always dies “unexpectedly” in a a jump), and lastly The Virgin, aka Final Girl, aka Scream Queen, aka “I make it to at least one sequel.”  With the prototypes set up you can tell before even walking into the movie the order of the death scenes. Along with all that, you have your screaming at the screen, your jumps, and your awesome scenery.

Now for once, this is not a slasher film that gets its glory by guts and how well the death scenes are done. This movie is renouncing that typical play because this movie is satirical of those movies. Drew Goddard, with his directorial debut,  is taking the next step after what Wes Craven did during the Scream franchise. So, in short, this film is all about the characters and their stupid-ass actions, not how creative a death scene can be. But there is so much more to this film than even just the “Prototype Characters,” there are actors and characters in this film that you wouldn’t know were in it because of the “second layer” they are bringing to this film. That second layer being the reason for all slasher films, and it is done brilliantly. I do not want this review to have any spoilers, so I will not go into that portion. But this second layer is what makes this film so damn good, what makes it original. For once, there is something original that Hollywood has finally fucking done, and I could not be more ecstatic about it. The “nightmares” that they create in this film, they are done so nicely, some of them you laugh at, others are actually frightening, but for the most part it is just good old fashion fun. For any Slasher/Horror fan I highly suggest you go see this in theaters. If you wait, you will regret it. I promise you, there are some jumps here, but it is not about the scares, it is all about “what the fuck is happening here and what is going to come next.”

“Hey guys, lets check out that unexpected occurrence that just happened.”

And the acting is for once actually good for once, although you sit there and want to scream at the characters, but that’s all part of the fun. And there is no happy ending in this either, like any other film in this genre, but it is done with such bad assery, that it doesn’t even matter. I loved the whore, she was great, although like always “it should had been me.” The “Fool” was by far my favorite character, he is the only one who wised up and realizes that there is a “conspiracy” going on, which here I have been referring to as second layer. What is great about him is that he is doped up on pot the whole time, so of course he is the only one saying “Guys not a good idea.” He is the Shaggy to the Mystery Inc, who is the only one with any real world sense. Come to think of it the prototypes were most likely created out of the fucking Scooby Gang, then, after that, horror movies started doing it. But really its like the question, “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Or in this case, the stupid prototypes or the killers?

Over all the performances are great throughout the film by everyone. The only person I hated was ‘The Virgin’ and that is because SHE WAS DUMB AS FUCK. She is actually the person that brings on the wrath for blood and death.

Overall the movie is a fun ride, and as satirical as it is, I think it does a great job of bringing something new to the table. The camera angles, the soundtrack/composed music, the scenery; all of it comes together to make a cinematograph piece of art. I praise the cast and crew along with Drew Goddard and Josh Wedon for making this bloody fun, brilliant film. I applaud you my dear sirs. And to you the reader, stop reading, get in your car, and go buy a damn ticket to THIS MASTERPIECE. BYE!

For once reader, I give you 10 out of 10 daggers.

~Jacki K

Also, if any of my readers do want spoilers, leave me a comment. We will discuss there, also anyone who also saw the movie, what do you think about the review?