Stitches (2012)

Stitches poster

A Clown with a Killer Attitude

Stitches is a a fun clever horror movie that delivers on so many damn levels it’s hard to believe that is took my this long to watch it. The comedy, horror was recently added to Netflix this year, and had been in my queue for a hot minute. The film begins brilliantly, with a clown fucking his mistress in full get-up, to only be disrupted with an alarm reminding him of a bastard’s party he has to entertain at. And even though Stitches, our clown (Ross Noble), isn’t the best entertainer, the kids at the party are just the worst! While the kids razz both Stitches, his jokes, and his tricks, they decide to play a mean joke on him and knock him over after one of the ass hole kids tie up his over-sized shoelaces.

Poor, poor Stitches, (*spoilers*) he falls on face first on a butcher knife that was poorly placed in a dishwasher that was never closed, like, at ALL!

So Stitches isn’t really about a killer clown, as I once thought from just the poster artwork available on Netflix. Stitches is about a dead clown coming back from the grave to wreak revenge on the shitty little Hellians who are having one hell of a rager about 10 years after they accidentally kill them.

The movie has some really gruesome kills in it, but oh my god! They are fun! Even the teenagers, I can’t help but like them too! I was pretty bummed when a few of the certain characters we murdered. But damn, the cats from across the pond really know how to get their gore on. The kills are creative, I’m like 80% sure each kid represented a deadly sin, but I can’t find anything online to corroborate that; the cinematography was done perfectly, almost in a satirical, comedic take of Quentin Tarantino’s films; and the overall pace of the movie builds perfectly, yet moves at an enjoyable pace.

Stitches is a great comedy horror and I highly recommend you take a shot at this clever take on a clown with a killer attitude.


Unfriended (2015)

Unfriended Poster


Unfriended is a new type of found footage supernatural horror movie from the mind of Nelson Greaves and Levan Gabriadze, two relatively unknown Hollywood players new to the playing field. The story follows a group of friends who possibly bullied a girl enough to commit suicide. A girl, Laura Barns, who was supposedly a friend of theirs. The poor thing had a nasty video posted online of her, I will exclude the details of said video, as the mystery is part of the fun for the film, but even though the video itself isn’t that terrible, the bullying that follows is. 

Unfreinded is a film that represents today’s young adults in a clever and jaunting manner. A certain genre of horror has always represented what today’s youth use on a regular basis. The horror manifests from the seemingly daily objects that have become a HUGE part of their daily lives. See Paranormal Activity, One Missed Call, The RingPoltergeist, and Christine as a reminder for nearly every decade. And for that reason alone, Unfriended, which takes place all in one take while on a group Skype call between high school friends, is a brilliant movie for teenagers. There’s a bit of sex, enough gore, and just enough social satire to wake up the youths of today about show shitty cyber-bulling can be….. And that the dead bullied will return from the dead to kill off her bullies in by far the most deserving manner.

Again, I want to avoid spoilers, but pay attention to the different props each friend has in their own frame. They make a point of using them for good reason because Laura Barns’ spirit uses them against themselves. And for this reason, I feel as though Unfriended could be the next Final Destination. There is a quick scene of our protagonist searching the internet for information on the dead communicating via the internet after their death. What I picture, for a sequel that is, something along the lines of Final Destination 3, where we have another group of friends talking about the suicide of a bullied friend and bring up the topic of Laura Burns. A death that happened a few towns over and then all of the girl’s friends off and kill themselves as well. They begin to research and weird things start happening with them. The same as the beginning of Unfriended. After one friend mysteriously kills themselves, we learn more about what happened during the first movie, and how the media responded to it. I think this is a great way to continue the story. Because honestly the best part of the movie, aside from the self-prophecy kills; is the mysterious supernatural aspect behind it and figuring out what the “Laura Barns Kill Yourself” video contained.

Overall, Unfriended delivers a decent horror movie based around today’s technology and a real social issue that many young kids are dealing with on a regular basis. For that reason I recommend the film, but it would also be a much better movie (and scare) if watched at home… alone… in the dark…. with only the soft glow of your laptop.

Animal (2014)

Said Naked-Mole Rat Humanoid Crossbreed

Said Naked-Mole Rat Humanoid Crossbreed

Animal is a 2014 creature feature that is a fun romp through the forest from beginning to end. The film is about 2 bickering biracial siblings taking their significant others, and a 5th gay wheel, to an old family hiking spot for some relaxing exertion? Why do people hike in groups? That’s just asking for trouble, and trouble is delivered.

The cast is filled out by some veteran actors and some newbs which make the movie both tolerable yet difficult to watch at certain points. The old live-action Peter Pan is in it, along with RJ Burger (who I love more than life itself), Big Daddy‘s shitty girlfriendRidge Forrester, and a Nickelodeon star in her first ever horror movie (I’m assuming). It’s a pretty tight cast with only 8 members on screen, which is an interesting take for a creature horror movie. Continue reading